Peace and Beard Love

I'm trying to get the tweet contained in this URL: click here  retweeted in every country in the world.  If you are on Twitter and you think you can help, please let me know.  The countries I have retweeted in are listed below.  I will update as I go on:-

1 England  @The_Chief_Doris

2 Ni  @BL0W1NGBUBBL3S

3 Scotland  @Tumshie71 

4 Wales  @Lynn_Willmott 

5 Australia  @bopper908

6 The USA  @MarizoeGirl

7 Canada  @HGrOliver 

8 South Africa  @13bturbo

9 Bahrain  @LionV6 

10 France  @big_billy_bagel

11 Ireland  @melissagxxx

12 Switzerland  @Favourite_Gal

13 Germany  @Varolo69 

14 Holland  @Almost_Right  @Scottkelly88

15 Mozambique  @Met2Moz 

15 Denmark  @justinbellinger

16 Finland  @PiiaBredenberg 

17 Singapore  @sayyouluvvvme 

18 Serbia  @dooshan

19 Japan  @deco1837 

20 Thailand  @rayvberkel 

21 Brasil  @Belrossonera

22 Tunisia  @IceDragon18 @Gaskarthino

23 Spain  @antonia_romera  

24 Tasmania  @AnnaWiegandt 

25 Jordan  @Hamy85
26 Poland @Pani_Bufetowa
27 Norway @CeeJoz 

Thanks you special people,

The Beard.

Pater noster, qui es in caelis

In recognition of the religious slant that the English version of "occupy this and that" (mainly Wall Street) protest has suddenly gained, I have composed this short prayer to be recounted at the alter of socialism:-

Dear protestors who art at St Pauls’,

shallow be your name.

Our kingdom’s gone,

If your will be done,

The USSR, as it was, is your idea of heaven,

Give us this day a fucking break,

Don’t forgive us our debts,

as you also have not forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation to hit you,

but deliver us from your effluence.

For thine is the media,

and the power, and the intelligentsia,

for ever and ever

Amen.

#PawsUpUK - support charity and get more followers

Paws Up UK is a charity dedicated to looking after Police Dogs who retire from active duty.  You can check their web page here pawsup.org.uk.  There's nothing else like it in the UK.

The generous people at Tactical Electronics UK will donate £1 for every Tweet or RT that features the #PawsUpUK hashtag, up to a maximum of £1000, from 8PM tomorrow night.  Needless to say, that's a lot of cash for a worthwhile UK charity.  All you have to do is either tweet that tag, or RT one of the many tags with the hashtag on it, and that will translate into real hard cash for charity.

To help give them a boost, I will hold a Beardcall from 8PM to 9PM tomorrow night.  This is a real easy way to gain a large number of followers in one go. 

All you have to do to join in is to tweet me the hashtag #PawsUpUK, between 8PM and 9PM (UK Time) on the 6th of June 2013.  I will then put all the names into a list.  I tweet the list to all my followers.  Everyone in the list agrees to follow each other.  So let's say 100 people are in the list, and they aren't already following each other, then they should each obtain 99 new followers.

Even if you don't care about followers, please tweet or RT the hashtag #PawsUpUK as it will turn into a £1 for charity.

There are a number of ways you can find the #PawsUpUK list, even if you didn't take part:-
1.  Use the search bar in Twitter to search for #PawsUpUK and then find the list by scrolling through "all" tweets.  Don't use the "top" tweets search.  The list should be obvious as a number of tweets with the tag #PawsUpUK at the end.  This didn't work on the night of the original BeardCall as it was inundated with so many tweets it developed an over capacity error.  However if that happens it should work the next day.

2.  Go into my profile and then into "my tweets", then scroll down for the list.

3.  As the list is tweeted by me, simply favourite each tweet, then you can view them (and follow) all at your leisure (from the "my favourites" list).  I think this is probably the best way to do it whilst it's happening live.

The best way to make the most of beardcall is to both be on the list and follow everyone on the list. Several tweeps RT the list too, so you should be able to get more followers than the actual number of tweeps on the list, as their followers also follow you.

There are only 3 rules:-
1.  Tweet me #PawsUpUK between 8PM and 9PM on the 6th of June 2013.
2.  Follow everyone on the #PawsUpUK list (intend to tweet this from 8pm onwards)
3.  You must follow @Das_Beard on Twitter.


Thanks for listening:  The Beard. {;~{)}

Double Concentrate

This is a public health broadcast.  I am here to warn you about the dangers of a new consumer product.  The evils of which have not been known to this planet, or any other until this date.  The pox of the food stalls and the poisoner of young children:  double concentrate juice.

It seems innocuous and timid on the shelf of the supermarket, perhaps even helpful, after all, who wouldn’t want a bottle of juice that lasted twice as long as a normal bottle?

Not until the corporations have confused your desires does the true ugliness of their invention reveal itself:  the true horror of absent mindedly drinking slightly stronger orange squash than usual!!!!!!

What can you do to prevent this from happening to you?  the obvious answer is not to buy the thing in the first place, but then you wouldn’t have a bottle with at least 60 servings of juice inside it.  So that would be utterly stupid.  So the only option left open is to acquire the only thing that can possibly defend you against it.

You lucky reader, know the Beard and The Beard knows the answer.  All you need to protect yourselves is to surround yourselves with friends and family, who are always prepared to scream “IT’S DOUBLE CONCENTRATE!!!! FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, MAKE SURE YOU DON’T PUT TOO MUCH IN!!!!!”  in a manner that is entirely without justification (and should I add; annoying?), every single time you pour a glass of it. 

This, and only this, will keep you from the agonising fate of drinking slightly stronger squash than usual.

No need to thank me, you can thank me by keeping safe, and remember: Double the concentrate, double the danger.

Cognitive Dissonance

You won’t believe what happened to me.  I was sitting reading some current affairs Blog, when I came across a horrific story of oppression and Human Rights abuses.  The writing was very powerful and soon got me whipped up into a political frenzy.  Not like me I know, but what can I say?  I’m a sucker for good writing.  

The piece told me of a small group of people from an ethnic minority who were facing a bit of trouble over their choices of where to live.  They had been persecuted throughout the ages, and, at times, genocide had been exercised against them.  The article accepted that other people from their group had been naughty at times, but you can’t hold that against them forever, right? 

This particular group had beaten all the odds to get themselves a bit of of land, but had used it illegally.  Not a big deal really, but they had held onto it, ilegally, for quite some time as they had nowhere else to go.  

Everyone from the surrounding regions were completely against them, and were all actively tying to get rid of them.  Eventually, even their own government had taken legal action against them, and had prepared to remove them from the homes that they had made for themselves.  I got all liberal and upset and started to get myself in a right old leftie tiz about it (why couldn’t they just leave them alone to live in peace?  A bit of illegality never hurt anyone, did it?).  

I felt absolutely compelled to defend these people, but I couldn’t think who would help me.  I knew most of my friends would be completely against the ilegal use of land, so I decided to get the lefties on board and went to find them.  I looked in all the usual places, beatnik poetry clubs, anarchy groups, world music record shops, and vegan cookery lessons.  I spoke with hundreds of them, but couldn’t find a single one who was willing to come with me.  I was completely shocked.  

I got very dejected about it, concluding that it just wasn’t that important after all.  I had really just assumed the liberals would be up for it. 

I suppose that they thought it'd be too hot to travel to Israel at this time of year.  

In any event they all had prior engagements watching Emmerdale Farm, in Basildon or something - probably completely different thing to be fair, not connected in any way, not even associated to the same prinicples involved, and certainly not coming to a completely different conclusion about it.

In the end I gave it up as a bad job.  

Cheer Up

Apparently around 88% of us feel less happy than we did before the recession hit, according to CSV who quote an ICM poll (describe themselves as The Country’s leading volunteer and training charity).

Well, fuck me?  What is surprising that a charity spent money on telling us what we already know: people are rarely happier when they have less money - they must’ve had a team of monkeys working around the clock on that one.

Perhaps the only surprise to come out of the poll was that 12% of people surveyed actually felt happier.  These are definitely the anti capitalists hippies who are too smug to notice the whole raft of word conflicts occurring as a direct result.

It’s hard to get solid data on happiness because different groups tend to distort the info.  For example the BBC used this in 2006 to show that the US has maintained (or even lost) a significant degree of happiness, whilst GDP increased, since 1957 - so money don’t make you happy, right?

As this study in the US shows there was a huge spike in happiness levels in the US in the 50’s which actually declined before leveling out.  So being at 1950 levels of happiness is actually quite good, although I accept not necessarily linked to GDP.  I suppose this is the leftist way of telling us we don’t need so much money, and shouldn’t be too upset if the reds tax us to dust.

What is also funny about the US study is that it shows people score praying at a similar level to lunch.  There’s got to be a few lies in there.  Eating is pretty much better than everything for me, even having sex makes me want to eat a kebab.

However, generally speaking people do seem to be fucking upset, about pretty much fucking everything, at the moment.  Now I’m going to break one of my own rules here, and blame this on one thing: -

The illusion of the possibility of financial equality.  

I put it on it’s own because I want it to stand out.  I did try a red font with gold glitter, but it started to look a bit silly, so I’m sticking with black.  You can cut it out at home if you like and do that, but I’m trying to be serious, so don’t impose your artistic sensibilities on me, luvvie.

Try any one of the better known Liberal commentators, who do seem to have the floor at the moment, you will be able to find comment about the lack of financial equality in the UK.  

In addition to this, the glorification of all things materialistic in any one of the red tops, leads us to think that we should all be rich.  We should all be at the top of our tree.  

One of the guys studying this recently is Charles Seaford, head of the Centre for Well Being at the New Economics Foundation.  He said having enough money to live seemed important, but "it seems that national wellbeing depends on quite a high level of equality" which sends the point home for me.

Basically our happiness depends on a fucking pipe dream.  Don’t get me wrong here, everyone should have the same opportunities, regardless of race, creed etc, BUT everyone cannot expect to be able to achieve everything they want. Not everyone can expect to have the same success as their neighbour.  What we should be doing is learning to live with it.  

Here’s a little scenario to demonstrate my point.  It’s The Olympics, you’re watching the 100m.  The race starts.  All the guys sprint to the end, at the speed of a coked up gazelle, and one narrowly beats the second place.  He’s overjoyed, he’s got what he worked for.  

The second one is crying, because he didn’t win.  He didn’t achieve what the guy in front did.  Not unusual?  of course not.  

Now look around you in the stadium, how many other people are crying because they didn’t win the race?  None.  Not a fucking one.  But why not?  the guy who is the second fastest in the world is devastated by it, but you aren’t even mildly upset.  In fact the guy who came last isn’t crying either? why the fuck not? The whole world saw him get his ass handed to him by Usain Bolt, but not a tear. Only number 2 is actually crying.  Why the fuck is this craziness happening? Why isn’t the whole world in abject depression?  Well the answers easy: because noone else expected to win.  The only guy that’s upset is the one who thought he should have won.

This is the affliction we are all suffering at the moment.  We all think we can have it all.  We all think we should win the race.   We get told by people, who should know better, that we can because they confuse what the redistribution of wealth really means.  It means that most people in our country would have less.  And as demonstrated above, they’ve convinced you it can happen, without you having less - the “rich” are going to fund it all.  

Sounds good?  sounds sexy?  more money and only those pig dog capitalist bastards are going to suffer?  Why didn’t we do this sooner? firstly if you exchange your work for money (wages) then you’re part of the system that they dislike.  

Secondly, different people are simply better at holding onto, and making more of, their money than others.  If you believe in freedom, then you should accept that this should be the case.  And if you want social mobility, you can’t take money off people at an alarming rate to fund anyone but the most needy, because money is what makes the world go round.

To end on a high note, let’s take a quick look at a very crude model of complete income redistribution.

According to The World Bank (oh yes, there’s a World Bank, presumably lends to alien cultures?) the global GDP is $58.26 trillion, or $58, 260, 000, 000, 000.  What if I told you I was in charge, and I was going to dish this out equally between you all?  You’d be happy?  let’s have a look at that.  The world population is:  6.775 billion (always rising too, check it out )

Ok so divide the 58.26 trillion, between 6.775 billion.  This comes to around $8624.  So you’d have an income of $8,624.  At todays exchange rate, that would be around: £5458.  

It’s worth noting that an income of £5,458 would be well below the standard of poverty in the UK, and is easily exceeded by most incomes of people on full benefits.  I think you’d tell me to stick my income redistribution up my arse.

I don’t know what the issue is when we’re all so fucking rich.

God and The Itch

It has just passed midnight, in the garden of good and evil.  

I have a massive day ahead of me and I am characteristically unable to sleep.  It’s times like this when I start to question everything that surrounds me, and I rarely come to a cheerful conclusion.  So forgive me, my friends, if this post is distinctly more sombre than usual.

For reasons I won’t go into; my main thoughts today have been about death.  The one thing that we all owe to God, and we will all be forced to pay.  If you think about it in terms of forfeiture avoidance, it’s genius really - make your clients biologically unable to avoid payment.

I’m not really one for talking religion most of the time, but for me thoughts of death and religion are intrinsically linked.  

I do consider myself to be a Christian, although I do little to merit the title.  

I suppose I try to be good to people, and treat others how I would wish to be treated myself, but I admit that I am not always strong enough to do so.  

I do not repent when I should , and I do things wrong, when I have had the foresight and time to know that I shouldn’t.  Therefore I do not exactly live my life by Christ’s example. 

I believe in God enough to feel that He exists, but not enough not to have to hope that He does as well.  Not enough to fear that this may be “it” and that there may be nothing but oblivion waiting for us on the other side.

The 2 men I find most comforting in times like this (at the moment) are quite different but are both scientists none the less.  The first would in fact, ironically, be Richard Dawkins who once said that we are to end at the point of our death, this only serves to make our lives more purposeful than if we live on.  Our place in the universe having been unique and transitory, like some cosmic snowflake, possibly insignificant, but no less beautiful than any other life simply because we are the only ones who could have lived it.  

I do take some comfort from this, but it’s not without it’s faults.  Even if I could come to terms with this for myself, I don’t think that I can accept this for my loved ones.  For them my feelings are entirely selfish.  I don’t want to lose them, and I don’t care how beautiful, or unique their lives maybe, it would never be enough to compensate for their loss.  So Dawkin’s statement is ultimately unsatisfactory.  It just doesn’t feel right.  Maybe I just don’t want to believe it either.

The second is the great philosopher Descartes.  He sat in a room with a little stove for ages, thinking like crazy, and came up with a good proof for His existence.  This was at the same time of proving that we all exist.  This might come as a shock to you, but before he said “cogito ergo sum” in the 17th century, everyone just walked around wondering if everything was really there, or just an illusion created by some naughty demon.  Descartes used his noodle to simply think it through*.   

He thought that as we have an idea of something that is perfect, the cause of that idea must be perfect.  A man is not perfect, because we know that our knowledge increases with time i.e. we cannot be perfect because we don’t know everything.  Therefore the perfect thing that gave us the idea, must be something else: God** I find the idea comforting because it actually offers some form of proof.  It has been pointed out that Descartes is wrong about knowledge, and that we can never be sure of what we know, but we all think that we are real.  We have faith in our senses and surroundings, even though we cannot know if they really exist, so it’s a nice theory as even the criticism requires faith in something.***

Sometimes It’s when I can’t sleep that my thoughts turn to death, as I just can’t stop thinking, and death is the one thing you can’t avoid facing, and it’s the one thing that most people want to avoid.  Over time I’ve concluded that it’s why I love film and cinema so much.  As Anne Rice suggested; we love entertainers because they distract us from the thought that we will one day end.  This possibly goes for everyone we ever loved, even our children.  There is of course at least a small part of us that has children to give us the illusion that we are, in some way, immortal.

It is one thing that does cause me to have to hope that God exists, instead of just accepting it.  It forces the question how could He love us and also inflict such a terrible fate on all of us? Or even to expose us, and our innocent children, to the risk of death, without a first proving that He exists to us all?

I accept that I may have just missed most of his appearances in my life, and I’m not sure about the times I think I’ve seen His work.  

So if you’re listening God, I’m a big fan of your work - I really am, but I’d appreciate it if you could just be a bit more obvious sometimes, because I occasionally get a bit dejected with the way things are run down here.  You know? Perhaps take a break from being mysterious from time to time?  I think obvious might really be your thing this century.  Oh and when I’m having a bit of “me” time in the bathroom, could you just give me a pass on that?  Thanks in advance.

I know I maybe wrong, I’m probably just talking bollocks, but I think a death may be too much of a price for a life, given that you can never forget that it’s coming.  As the quote goes from Blade Runner “Nothing is worse than having an itch you can never scratch”

*anyone who spent time in HM Forces will tell you: it’s amazing what your mind turns to when you’ve got too much time on your hands.

** I have given my own interpretation of both ideas.  Yes I know they may not be wholly accurate, smart arse.

***This ties in with the theory of knowledge, and at the risk of being ripped to shreds by any proper philosophy students, I don’t have the time to try my hand at the entire thing.

Twit Manners (just a quick one)

The social arena of Twitter is like any other.  It has it’s rules and rituals, and if you want to be popular, you’ve got to play the game.  If you don’t want to be popular then it doesn’t matter what you think, because noone likes you.  I’ll be able to tell you to fucking do one, and you won’t have any friends to go running to.  So fucking do one.

In an effort to spread some of my Twit good will, I’m detailing some of my observations on Twitter etiquette below.  So do what I say, because it’s rude if you don’t.  

Followback

If you’re not famous  - you’ve got to follow back.  Imagine you’re in a room, and everyone’s talking.  Then some gob shite starts talking really loud.  When you try to get in on the conversation, they just keep talking, like you weren’t even there.  You like the sound of that?  No! of course you don’t.  Don’t be bloody stupid.  So don’t do it to other people.

If you’re a celeb you can get away with it because people are always interested in what you’ve got to say, and don’t expect to talk to you in return.  

Also, if you’re a celeb, can you lend me a few quid?  I’ll pay you back, honest.

Reply to your @ list

Again, you’re talking to someone and they just don’t reply.  It’s just bloody rude.  And if you do it to others they might do it to you.  The Twitter will be full of people.....not talking to each other, but themselves.  That’s the way madness lies.

Don’t send me pictures of your cock

This is perhaps the most important one for me.  If I want a picture of your cock, I’ll ask for one.  So until that happens, keep the little fella tucked away.

Follow Friday

There is a tradition on Twitter.  Every Friday you use the hashtag #ff or something similar, and recommend your favourite followers.  This is abused almost every day.  To begin with, it’s follow Friday, not Monday, Tuesday, or even Thursday.  It’s an “F”......for Friday.

#ff on another day is like saying, “I would have had sex with you last week, but not today”.  It’s like sending a birthday card, the month after the birthday.  It’s like telling your boyfriend the kid wasn’t his, after he’s paid for it to go to university.

Plus, you shouldn’t do too many of these.  You remember that time your girlfriend told you she wasn’t a virgin?  Exactly the same as being one #ff in a cast of thousands.

Retweet from Twitter

Twitter is just one big numbers game for everyone.  Anyone who says different can’t get many followers, or just can’t count.  Twitter retweets give me the right Twit Horn.  You can see them flow nicely from your timeline, into your retweets list.  Oh but what’s that?  someone used TwitLonger, or even TweetDeck to retweet me?  Now it’s not in my retweet list?  What the fuck?  

There’s no sense of achievement unless it’s in my list.  It’s not going to turn into a worldwide trend, in the proper manner, otherwise.  Dammit, I need to see it in my list!!!!!

Don’t be a Twit Nazi

We fought 2 world wars to defeat the Nazi’s (one really but it’s not as impressive to say one world war, when everyone knows there was at least two).  So don’t be a bloody fascist when it comes to other Tweep’s Tweets.  

Tweeps have the right to free Tweet.  You get to say what you want, and they get to say what they want, on any topic.  If it’s good for you it’s good for everyone.  

The worst of all of the Nazi Tweeps is the one who threatens to unfollow you over what you said.  What’s that you’re going to unfollow me? No please don’t, I’ll feel so alone and vulnerable.  I may even cry a tiny little bit, from my eyes and everything.  Fuck off you fucking square.

Finally; be nice to people with Beards

Be nice to the Beard, thats it for that one.  If you can’t be nice to all bearded people, you can just be nice to me, to make up for your fascist behaviour.

Peace and Beard Love people......Peace and Beard Love.

Darwin, His Mac 10, and Altruism

Right now I’m watching “The Beautiful Mind” - the story of John Nash, the great mathematician.  It got me thinking about how fucked we all are.  Stick with me on this, because it’s not obvious what I’m saying until much later.

A long time ago, there was man named Charles Darwin.  You’ve probably never heard of him.  He looked like Santa and was somewhat geeky.  So nobody paid attention to him.

In my mind I’ve reinvented him as a bastion of modern culture, to make him a bit cooler.  In my mind he is both Mace Windu and Shaft, yes, in my mind Charles Darwin is: Samuel L Jackson.

One day he published a few ideas about animals and how they reproduce.  Not many people read them, even though they told the story about how God invented everything. 

One of the very few people to read his stuff was named Herbert Spencer, who had something to say about Darwin’s theory.  Spencer didn’t have a beard and was therefore not as intelligent as Darwin, but the Sun even shines on a dog’s arse, and soon Spencer came a’calling for Darwin.  And Spencer had a bit of genius in hand.  In my mind the conversation (that never actually took place) went a bit like this:-

“Alright Darwin, how’s it going?”  Said Spencer.  Darwin was a bit irritated as he was in the middle of cleaning his Mac 10.  

“What the fuck, Spence?” Said Darwin, whilst stroking the barrel of the Mac 10, with almost paternal care.

“Yeah, your stuff on species and that?  It’s fucking shit.” barked Spencer.

“Oh aye, and how’s that then?” Said Darwin, confident that Spencer was just busting his balls, and no scientific riposte to his theories was possible.

“Well, it does a nice job of explaining how those most adapted to survive proliferate, and those that aren’t do not.  Because the weaker characteristics die out, due to inability to procreate, and the stronger ones survive, as they last longer, and therefore procreate more.  But....” explained Spencer

“Go on” Said Darwin, who appeared to have all but forgotten his Mac 10.

“Doesn’t fucking explain altruism does it?” Continued Spencer.  Darwin was worried now.  He’d spent so much time explaining why the fittest get more sex, simply because they survive longer to do so, he’d forgotten to point out how such things as altruism exist.  Altruism doesn’t make an animal any more likely to survive, so how could it have developed?  It should have died out, but sure as eggs is eggs, altruism exists. 

Darwin offered to make Spencer some tea, to buy some time to check the old text books. “Fuck” he thought “I’ve fucking missed it out, haven’t I?”  Even at that early stage, he could tell his book deal was in jeopardy, he’d had the bloody advance and everything.  

He left his Mac 10, only half clean on the table, where he’d started, and walked out to speak to Spencer.

“Yeah, I’m a bit fucking busy now.  Come back in about 20 years” he said.   Spencer agreed to do so.  He didn’t want to, but it was Darwin’s house, so he had to agree.  After all, we’re not bloody animals are we?  We’re Human Beings.

Darwin immediately put his mind to solving the problem.  As time went by, he got more and more frustrated.  The scientific community wanted answers, and he had no answers to give.  One day in a fit of indignation he called them “cocks!!” at the top of his voice.  Which upset his wife immensely, as she hadn’t seen one since 1845.  Then it hit him: cocks!!! Peacocks to be exact.  They had these bloody great big feathers that didn’t help them one bit.  In fact, they had become more susceptible to predators as a result, but they had continued to evolve great big bloody feathers.  It was obvious now.  

This is why:  the big feathers gave the Pea Hens a wide-on.  They went crazy for that shit.  So whenever they spotted a Peacock with big feathers, they had to get it on.  So they had kids that were more likely to have big feathers, who were more likely to procreate and so on.  So Darwin set himself to studying the sexual selections of human females, and you know what?  It turned out that women (throughout the entirety of or history) were more likely to have kids with a man, who was kind and considerate.  Who’d believe that nowadays?  Therefore their children were more likely to have that characteristic, and they were more likely to have children, who thought being nice was cool.

Darwin was well chuffed with this.  He was so chuffed he dedicated 70 pages of his book "The Descent of Man and Selection in Relation to Sex", to it. (plus a further 500 on the effect in other animals).  

The day that he figured it out.  He finished cleaning that Mac 10 and waited for Spencer to turn up on the 20 year deadline, which he duly did.  Spencer opened the door to Darwin’s house, only to find the barrel of that Mac 10 pointing at his head. He had just enough time to see Darwin pull the trigger.  “I don’t need no mother fucking literary criticism up in my crib, bitch!” he said.  Then laid that Mac 10 to rest forever, out of respect for Spencer’s scientific insight.

You see, the human race has prided itself on it’s altruistic tendencies for quite some time.  Altruism is the benefiting of others at your own expense.  Now most people will have experienced altruism at some point in their lives, even if only briefly, and even if it only served as a painful reminder of how life could be if things were different.

Many scientists, even the great John Nash, thought they had proved the very existence of it, with laboratory controlled experiments.  These experiments eventually became the symbols of Game Theory.  Which is essentially a study of how people react in situations where the success of their choices depend on the choices of another person.  So let me explain the point of it.  

There is one game which is called “Dictator”.  This is a development of a game (invented by Nash), called “Prisoner’s Dilemma”.  2 people played Dictator.  They both knew the rules.  The rules were always similar to this: player A had x dollars, player B had nothing.  Player A could decide to keep all of the money or share it with player B.  There would be no recourse for player B at all.  Player A could give as much to player B as they wanted.  Player B could do fuck all about it.

Now, the best choice, for player A, is to simply keep all the money.  However, no matter where the game was played, in whatever country they did the experiment, player A nearly always gave money to player B.  The world had it’s proof that Human Beings weren’t all that bad after all.  Yay us. 

Except, There was a guy named John List, also an economist.  He had different ideas on the subject.  He invented tests which changed the dynamic somewhat.  He changed the rules so that player A and player B had, let’s say: $10.  Player A could still do whatever they wanted , and player B could do nothing.  In these circumstances, player A mostly took money from player B.  Around 60% of player A’s took money from B and kept their money.  

List went even further, and did the experiments without the subjects knowing he was doing it.  He did this by asking subjects to offer x money for a baseball card, then asking for the best one they could have for that amount, from the dealers.  He found that most of the dealers would rip off the subject.  

List did those experiments as he became aware that the lab subjects were not being selfless.  They were giving away some of the money, because they thought it made them look good.  When this observing element was removed, altruism seemed to disappear.

It’s not all bad news though.  In one experiment, player A kept their power of choice over player B’s money. However, instead of being given the money, they both had to work to earn it.  Player A would know this. 

In this study, only 28% of player As took any money from player B.  This shows that if A knows that B has come by the money in a way that they deem acceptable, they are more likely to be altruistic, than not.  Although 28% effectively stealing is not a good number.

So what’s my point here?  My point is; science shows that if you feel that you are not being watched, you feel like your actions are justified, and you feel that there is enough distance between you and your victim (emotionally), then you will be more likely to steal from them.  Especially when your victim can do nothing about it.

I’m not one of those nostalgic guys who thinks everything was better in the past, because it simply wasn’t.  

People still did shitty things to each other, however, society dictated that those things were wrong, so people at least tried to hide what they did, so altruism was preserved.

Now imagine a society in which that is not the case.  Imagine a society in which judging others is considered unseemly, selfish behaviour is always defended, and selfless behaviour is attacked as outmoded, or geeky.  Imagine a society in which children are taught that hard work is unnecessary, and material goods are the only important things, and that those who acquired them at all costs are sexually desirable.

What does science tell us will become of us?  It’s more important than what those with a political agenda will tell you.

Does the society I describe above already exist?  I don’t know.  But, whilst writing the above, I did feel compelled to define altruism.

The Beard Reminisces About Film

When I was a tiny Beard child, The Beard Father used to borrow VHS cassettes from a guy he knew at work.  The guy had a huge collection of films, I mean literally huge.  He had so many that he couldn’t watch them all.  So he had a load of films hat he just didn’t know the content of.  

I had a Beard Father who was happy to get the films for me to watch, but did not have any real knowledge of film.  And the last ingredient in this perfect storm of parental responsibility, was The Beard Mother.  Who took advantage of their trancelike effect on me, to leave me alone to do housework.

This made for a good number of interesting visual experiences for The Baby Beard.  I now break these down into their different effects:-

The “Is This Actually a Cartoon?” (ITAC) Effect:-

The Beard Father began by borrowing what he thought were cartoons.  As I was only 4 to 7 at the time, he clearly thought this was a good move.  

The cartoons happened to be Japanese Manga.  It simply blew my mind.  I have no idea which ones I watched, because this was well before the time of Akira (arguably the most famous Manga).  I remember one set in space, one of the villains was prone to executing these bunny things, for no reason, presumably just to enhance his bastard credentials - the bastard.  The hero was a space cadet.  In the end he turned into a baby, and his android companion turned into a human.  This just happened on a beach, I’ve been suspicious of sand ever since. 

There was another one about this boy whose parents were dead, and he was stuck on this planet.  This bird thing tried to eat his brains and he needed a metal skull cap, to stop his brains leaking out, or something.  Eventually, he found some companions, and they escaped to this old dude’s ship.  However, in the end you see the old dude’s got the same skull cap thing.  He’d rescued himself, during some crazy paradox!!!! 

The “Mild Trauma Caused by Lack of Understanding?” (MTCLU) Effect:-

The film most responsible for this would be ET.  I just didn’t get the bit where he died but then came back to life.  I actually saw this at the cinema.  I got through the whole film no problems.  By the time The Beard Family got to the lobby I managed to say “The Alien died” before bursting into tears.  This also happened to me at home, after watching “The E-WOK Adventure” just substitute the word “Alien” for “E-Wok”, and it was exactly the same scenario.  Except my house didn’t have a lobby, and ET didn’t actually die.  It was a different time of the day.  Come to think of it, it’s not that similar at all, but I’m not going back to delete it now.

The “Am I Supposed to be Watching This?” (AISWT) Effect:-

The strength of this effect waxed and waned.  At the beginning I felt like that because there was alot of swearing in the Manga films.  I eventually got used to it, only to be hit by the lightning bolt of Jamie Lee Curtis in “Trading Places”.  If you’ve seen the film, you know what I’m talking about.  I’d simply never seen anything like them in my entire short life.  This also coincided with me discovering the function of the pause button.

The “Emotionally Scarred for Life” (ESL) Effect:-

There are loads of films that fit into this category.  The most significant impact was Aliens.  There’s a scene where the heroes find a young woman, who has an Alien inside her, which eventually bursts out of her chest.  She begs them to kill her, shortly before it does.  I had nightmares for about a week.  I kept picturing loved ones talking to me,  going all green, and exploding aliens bursting out of their chests.  I really, really don’t know how I got to watch it.  

It’s not just limited to that, I also have to give honorary mentions to an execution scene in “Missing In Action” (Chuck Norris B movie), and the killing of “Murphy” scene in “Robocop”.

The “Oh My Fuck, What The Fuck Were You Thinking? You Call Yourself Parents?” (OMFWTFWYTYCYP) Effect:-

One of the very few films that got the better of me as a child: “Day of The Dead”.  I never watched it all the way through.  This is a film about a group of scientists who do experiments on zombies with the help of the military.  The military eventually finds that some of their infected compadres are also being experimented on.  So you can perhaps see how this is not a suitable film for a tiny child.  But I watched it.  What the fuck were they thinking? The synopsis is clearly on the box, as are the faces of several blood thirsty zombies.  I couldn’t even hear the music without having a minor nervous breakdown.  I had to look out of my window, to make sure their were no zombies in the streets before I went to bed, for about 6 months.  It was scarier than the original "Moomins".

It did help me in the end, because I’m dead inside now, so I don’t spend as much time crying over dead E-Woks, which means I have more time for other stuff - like blogging.

Leave it out, Tony

The riots left a bitter taste in my mouth the last few weeks.  Anything that involves people moaning about lack of opportunity, and condoning outright criminality just pisses me off.  I suppose it’s based on the fact that even though I have to work extended hours, in a stressful environment for my money, I’m still expected to pay outrageous levels of taxation to fund the ungrateful.  This week I thought I’d finally come to terms with it.  The apologists, both left and right have come out in their droves (where were they when it was all happening?), bending the facts to promote their own political agenda.  Not because they give two shits about you.  However I was expecting that, so I was braced for impact.  

I had all but turned the corner, except, this morning I put on BBC News to find that Tony Blair was putting in his two pennerth.  All of a sudden my shit was well and truly gripped again.  One day I’m gonna fart and a diamond will come out (tell me it’s disgusting then, ladies).  The crux of my annoyance was his assertion that he hadn’t been able to do anything about the “Me, Me, Me” culture whilst he was in office.  Now for my money, anyone who can’t get something done in 10 years was never going to get it done in the first place.

Anyway, it got me back on to the subject, and set my mind racing against all the ridiculous explanations.  I don’t know if you saw it, but one of the standout pieces for me was the interview with the 4 hoodies opposite Canary Wharf.  

I don’t know why it got my goat so much, but I think it might have been down to the fact that the assertions made by the hoodies were so tamely challenged, and were almost presented as an apology piece.  So now I’m pissed off all over again, I’ve revisited it, and written a few thoughts.  See what you think.

Even read along with the You Tube clip.

Intro: The 4 hoodies are introduced, and described as part of a criminal gang.  There are 4 of them (a gang) and they are about to speak about their commission of criminal offences (criminals then?).  So far so good.  No problems there.  At this point, I was relatively optimistic.  Possibly a cerebral meditation on the ills of society.  I’m excited.

Time: 0120 I’m disappointed.  Green mask tit tells the interviewer that he saw an opportunity and went for it.  He got himself a tracksuit and what he describes as “electronic stuff”.  All my hopes of some spark of intellectual thought are scuppered.  I want to comment more on this, but everything I want to say is summed up in the phrase “electronic stuff”.

Clearly this is not about social injustice, nor racism, educational or economic opportunity, no, it’s about.........stuff.

Time: 0124 OK, now we move onto Red mask tit.  I can see his eyes poking out between hood and mask, like some 18th century highwayman.  I can tell he has something to say.  Maybe he has an actual reason.  An actual bona fide reason? 

He says he’s providing for his family.  OK I’m listening, tell me about it.  Then he brings it back to the same thing.  “I got stuff for my son”  what is it about this stuff?  Why is stuff so important, and where can I get some stuff for myself?  Is it only available during times of disorder?  If so why, and again where?  I must get myself some of this magical stuff.  As I watch I’m convinced now the riots were justified.  I mean, I’m angry I don’t have any stuff.  I can’t have any, because I don’t even know what it is.

Then the killer, bless his little heart, he’s only gone and robbed some stuff for his son. His tiny little son has no stuff?!  I bet it’s those bastard capitalists are to blame.  Them and their damned money.  If only they learned to provide more stuff for us, everything would be better.

Except it turns out to be bollocks.  He didn’t want any of the magical stuff.  He really wanted some clothes and trainers for himself, oh and some powder and Johnson’s products for his son.  I can see by his cute little laugh that he was never serious.  He doesn’t care about stuff.  He only cares about well - material goods.   

I’m glad he put some time aside for some “me time” whilst he was robbing, as a single parent thief, he probably finds it difficult to get out and really do some stealing, whilst the sole carer of his son.  What’s that you say......at 16 years old he’s unlikely to be truly caring for his child, or even have custody?  No, I won’t have it.  Any man who goes out stealing for himself, and remembers he’s a daddy, is alright by me.  After all, if he had abandoned the Johnson’s set, He could have had another PS3.  So don’t go labeling him as selfish, fascist.

The funniest thing in this bit is that he starts to laugh when the interviewer goes for it.  He can’t believe his luck. His eyes nearly pop out of his tiny little head.  He keeps with it, until he forgets.

Time:  0145  so time to explore what the benefits were - So what did you get? Dark mask tit this time: got some HDs, couple of grands worth. Yes I see it now.  This is clearly his comment on society.  Possibly even auto destructive art? or just theft.  Now I think about it, yeah it’s just theft.

Time:  0150 -Not really a point made here, but I include it as I found it amusing.  The interviewer shows his feelings about the guys intelligence level (or possibly shows his own) He asks: “How much is 2 grand to you?”  Well it’s 2 thousand pounds, last time I counted.

Time: 0159 an opportunity to make a point  about the consumerist nature of society goes wanting- the interviewer asks what it means to him.  Is it survival?  Is it another year at university?  Is it food and clothing for his deprived children?  His answer?  It’s “nice for not paying for nothing, innit?” - he clearly has a future in retail.  

At this point, I’m also getting a bit annoyed with the sucking the air in over the teeth thing. Always the sure fire sign of a complete cunt. 

Time: 0225 red mask tit back on the case: he talks about getting a van to help him “provide for his baby” (how big is this child?) He steals enough to necessitate refilling the van.  This really pisses me off, as he goes on to complain about the removal of EMA.  Now in my mind, EMA is to help increase accessibility to education.  In my opinion, if you can get access to a van, in the middle of a riot, and drive around London - why can’t you make it into school?

Time: 0320 we stumble across the real reason for the lads joining the riot: “you’re only one in a thousand people” i.e. you probably ain’t gonna get caught.  For me, clearly demonstrating that the real reason for them joining in was simply because they could.  i.e. the lack of opportunity they usually lament, is the lack of opportunity to steal.  Bastard coppers keeping the little people down.

Time: 0350 another attempt at justification.  It was all payback.  He was raging against the corporate machine.  The very machine that had refused to recognise his value to society and give him a job, even when he had tried to get a really nice pair of trainers to go to the interview in.  What’s the world coming to when a 16 year old father of one, with a poor grasp of the English language and a propensity for criminal behaviour can’t get a job in..........Comet?

Time: 0340 I’ll skip over the bit where they show no remorse for their actions.  It’s clearly not relevant.  Is it?

Time:  0343 red mask tit says he won’t feel bad because he’ll be watching his plasma.  He says it’s like Christmas come early.  Who said a lack of religion was an issue?  Thats that put to bed.

Time: 0357 The cameraman belies his right wing tendencies by surreptitiously filming the lads’ natty threads.  Demonstrating that perhaps they do have a bit of money after all.  Bloody Nazi.

Time: 0408 Much hilarity when red mask tit says he tried to dress as smart as he could for a job interview. “I even begged my mum for a new pair of trainers.”  Magic.  By far the best bit.  except for:-

Time: 0420 He says “(I) talk the politest I can” - I wonder why he didnt get the job.

Time: 0441 “work hard but they not giving us no jobs like.” firstly it’s: “they will not give us a job.”  and secondly, perhaps because you have absolutely no redeeming qualities at all. 

Time: 0449 “we can do what you can do.”  Well you can't, because you can’t get a fucking job can you? and you can’t make a sentence without sounding like a cunt? Oh, and your a fucking thief too.

Time:  0504 “government arent helping noone out but the rich people” - 152 billion of taxpayers money on welfare? I’ll come back to this.  (and it's; isn’t helping anyone)

Time: 0549 and another attempt at justification.  The interviewer asks what should The Government do? Answer: The Government should put back on EMA.  Now does anyone believe, at this point that this guy is going to go to uni, even if he was chauffeur driven everyday to Oxford university, and taught by the reanimated corpse of Sir Isaac Newton himself?  No.  So what the fuck is that about?

He also says:  “help all the single mothers that are struggling”  OK, what’s your baby mother doing whilst you’re out thieving at 16?  Perhaps don’t have a child if you’re not in a financial position to have one?  like the fucking rest of us? And shouldn’t the baby daddy share some responsibility for that?  And exactly how is burning your local economy to the ground going to help her?

Time:  0620 the interviewer: without a hint of irony, says that they got what they wanted today: a voice.  They know it will make it easier to catch them.  
They truly are martyrs for the cause.  

Now the main point I took away is; there is a lack of opportunity for young people in our country, the UK.  It’s the only argument that makes sense.  So before I call it a day, I wanted to have a look at this.  And state why I think that’s just bollocks.

So what they were saying is that lack of opportunity leads to marginilisation.  This eventually leads to resentment and violence.


Now I can see that.  Believe it or not I can understand that regularly seeing people on TV literally covered in gold and diamonds can lead a man to think, how can I get some of that?  And then finding that you cannot achieve any meaningful wealth through any degree of hard work can lead to resentment, and it’s obvious how being in a state of continual resentment can lead to lashing out.  


So the real question is at the very beginning; is there a lack of opportunity?

Well lets chew that over for a second here.  

Net migration is around 240,000 people to the UK, according to the ONS.   So clearly someone thinks there is opportunity in this country, and enough to travel thousands of miles to take it.

The welfare budget is 169.3 billion for this year, rising to 185 billion over the next few years.  Therefore, The Government (the taxpayer i.e. you and me) is providing, what I would describe as, a great big fuckload of help. 

Especially when you consider that our GDP is at $2.17 trillion, according to The World Bank.  That’s a hefty percentage.

And lets look at that in an even bigger context.  According to the International Monetary Fund, this is bigger than the entire GDP of the following countries:-

Romania, Algeria, Peru, New Zealand, Kazakhstan, Ukraine, Kuwait, Qatar, Hungary, Bangladesh, Vietnam, Morocco, Slovakia, Angola, Iraq, Libya, Sudan, Ecuador, Croatia, Syria, Oman, Belarus, Luxembourg, Azerbaijan, Dominican Republic, Sri Lanka, Slovenia, Bulgaria, Tunisia, Guatemala, Uruguay, Lebanon, Uzbekistan, Serbia, Lithuania, Burma, Costa Rica, Kenya, Ethiopia, Yemen, Panama, Jordan, Latvia, Cyprus, Tanzania, Cote D’ivoire, Cameroon, El Salvador, Bahrain, Trinidad and Tobago, Estonia, Bolivia, Ghana, Paraguay, Uganda, Afghanistan, Bosnia Herzegovina,  Zambia, Honduras, Nepal, Equatorial Guinea, Iceland, Senegal, Dr Congo, Gabon, Botswana, Brunei, Republic of Congo, Albania, Namibia, Cambodia, Georgia, Mozambique, Macedonia, Mauritius, Mali, Armenia, Papua New Guinea, Burkina Faso, Madagascar, Malta, Chad, The Bahamas, Haiti, Benin, Nicaragua, Laos, Mongolia, Kosovo, Rwanda, Niger, Tajikistan, Zimbabwe, Moldova, Malawi, Kyrgyzstan, Guinea, Barbados, Montenegro, Mauritania, Suriname, Swaziland, Fiji, Togo, Eritrea, Guyana, CAR, Sierra Leone, Lesotho, Cape Verde, Burundi, Maldives, Belize, Bhutan, Djibouti, Antigua and Barbuda, The Gambia, Saint Lucia, Liberia, Seychelles, Guinea Bissau, Vanuatu, Soloman Islands, Grenada, East Timor, Saint Vincent and The Grenadines, St Kitts and Nevis, Comoras, Samoa, Dominica, Tonga, Sao Tome, Principe, Kiribati.

So all in all, quite a fucking bit really.  
Did you notice Malta in there?  They held off the entire Nazi War Machine throughout World War 2.  So I reckon if they can do that on their budget, we can make it to fucking school on ours?

According to the Office for Budgetary Responsibility (OBR) Corporation tax raises 35.8 billion, which equates to more than a fifth of the overall welfare bill.  So it looks like corporations are paying a fair bit too.

And how about the voluntary organisations for young people, for example:  The Prince’s Trust , Youth to Youth , The National Youth Agency , The Family and Parenting Institute , Catch 22 , to mention just a few.  Perhaps try them all before we decide there’s no chance.

Oh and just to point out, the company Comet?  Much derided by Red mask tit for not helping out?  They have a charity arm. 
They also offer discounts to charities and run a grant system with the government, to help young families with disabled children.  

Fuck me, who would have thought it?  So they actually do help provide opportunities?  I wonder if you have to wear a nice pair of trainers to apply?

This is of course, not to mention the  £80,000 spent on free education, subsidised housing, free medical care, and the same for any children.  

In short, There is no real justification for saying that there is a lack of opportunity.  And if I could do anything with this blog, it would be to make people realise that Government funding and help is taken from us under the threat of prosecution.  
So if you are saying it’s OK to riot if The Government doesn’t give more funding - What you are really saying is: I’m gonna riot, unless The Government forces you to give more money to me.  Which isn’t going to solicit any sympathy from me.

For those of you who disagree, the address for the inland revenue is below, they accept voluntary contributions:-

HM Revenue & Customs

PO Box 1970

Liverpool

L75 1WX

I think they get about £8000 in voluntary contributions every year.  I suppose this means most people think they pay enough.  They are probably right.

Their arguments were simply the repetition of everything that they had heard on TV up to now, from those who would seek to forward their political agendas, at your expense, maybe not?

The most honest reply was from this guy.  He doesn't make much of a point other than, I just wanted to, and the Police probably won't get me.  He tries to blame them for it, but doesn't do much of a job of it.