Twit Manners (just a quick one)

The social arena of Twitter is like any other.  It has it’s rules and rituals, and if you want to be popular, you’ve got to play the game.  If you don’t want to be popular then it doesn’t matter what you think, because noone likes you.  I’ll be able to tell you to fucking do one, and you won’t have any friends to go running to.  So fucking do one.

In an effort to spread some of my Twit good will, I’m detailing some of my observations on Twitter etiquette below.  So do what I say, because it’s rude if you don’t.  

Followback

If you’re not famous  - you’ve got to follow back.  Imagine you’re in a room, and everyone’s talking.  Then some gob shite starts talking really loud.  When you try to get in on the conversation, they just keep talking, like you weren’t even there.  You like the sound of that?  No! of course you don’t.  Don’t be bloody stupid.  So don’t do it to other people.

If you’re a celeb you can get away with it because people are always interested in what you’ve got to say, and don’t expect to talk to you in return.  

Also, if you’re a celeb, can you lend me a few quid?  I’ll pay you back, honest.

Reply to your @ list

Again, you’re talking to someone and they just don’t reply.  It’s just bloody rude.  And if you do it to others they might do it to you.  The Twitter will be full of people.....not talking to each other, but themselves.  That’s the way madness lies.

Don’t send me pictures of your cock

This is perhaps the most important one for me.  If I want a picture of your cock, I’ll ask for one.  So until that happens, keep the little fella tucked away.

Follow Friday

There is a tradition on Twitter.  Every Friday you use the hashtag #ff or something similar, and recommend your favourite followers.  This is abused almost every day.  To begin with, it’s follow Friday, not Monday, Tuesday, or even Thursday.  It’s an “F”......for Friday.

#ff on another day is like saying, “I would have had sex with you last week, but not today”.  It’s like sending a birthday card, the month after the birthday.  It’s like telling your boyfriend the kid wasn’t his, after he’s paid for it to go to university.

Plus, you shouldn’t do too many of these.  You remember that time your girlfriend told you she wasn’t a virgin?  Exactly the same as being one #ff in a cast of thousands.

Retweet from Twitter

Twitter is just one big numbers game for everyone.  Anyone who says different can’t get many followers, or just can’t count.  Twitter retweets give me the right Twit Horn.  You can see them flow nicely from your timeline, into your retweets list.  Oh but what’s that?  someone used TwitLonger, or even TweetDeck to retweet me?  Now it’s not in my retweet list?  What the fuck?  

There’s no sense of achievement unless it’s in my list.  It’s not going to turn into a worldwide trend, in the proper manner, otherwise.  Dammit, I need to see it in my list!!!!!

Don’t be a Twit Nazi

We fought 2 world wars to defeat the Nazi’s (one really but it’s not as impressive to say one world war, when everyone knows there was at least two).  So don’t be a bloody fascist when it comes to other Tweep’s Tweets.  

Tweeps have the right to free Tweet.  You get to say what you want, and they get to say what they want, on any topic.  If it’s good for you it’s good for everyone.  

The worst of all of the Nazi Tweeps is the one who threatens to unfollow you over what you said.  What’s that you’re going to unfollow me? No please don’t, I’ll feel so alone and vulnerable.  I may even cry a tiny little bit, from my eyes and everything.  Fuck off you fucking square.

Finally; be nice to people with Beards

Be nice to the Beard, thats it for that one.  If you can’t be nice to all bearded people, you can just be nice to me, to make up for your fascist behaviour.

Peace and Beard Love people......Peace and Beard Love.