Sally told me that she had met the man who starred as the alien in a mid 80's Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. She had first met him on an internet dating site, where he had charmed her into meeting him. She plucked up enough courage to meet the object of her desires in the Milton Keynes Nando's.
At first she was shocked and repulsed. She realised that, what she thought were face prosthetics, were in fact just horrific disfigurements. She had thought of leaving immediately and never showing her face. If only she had. She took pity upon the pathetic creature and thought to give him a chance.
As they sat ordering their chickeny treats, Sally noticed how the female waitresses easily warmed to him, and how comfortable he was in female company, despite his obvious abnormality. When he went to the toilet, one of the waitresses approached her, and congratulated her on landing such a catch. She told Sally that every woman in Miltion Keynes was in love with him, and that he had his pick of all the girls. He was internationally renowned as being an expert lover, having slept with well over a thousand women, but had never taken any of them to Nando's.
Sally was overcome with excitement, and in that typically feminine way simply decided, on very little evidence, that she was lucky to be with the horrifically ugly and bloodthirsty alien.
Their relationship blossomed over the coming months. Sally was having the time of her life, having found that he was an amazing and considerate lover. He was enjoying life too, having landed a part in the new revival of the Schwarzenegger franchise, which was being directed by Roberto Rodriguez. He had also promised that he would introduce her to the great Ahhhnholt, himself.
Sally eventually made the decision to sleep with him. Which signalled the end of the relationship. On their 4 month anniversary. She bought some saucy lingerie, and made a beautiful meal for the two of them. They had an incredible night of passion and sexual abandon. He made love to her at least 5 times throughout the evening. She was so delirious that she collapsed on the bed and dropped into the most satisfying sleep, as happy as she had ever been.
In the morning she awoke to fid that he had left, only a small drop of luminescent blood, from a paper cut, to signal that he had ever been there at all. Sally tried to call him to see where he had gone, only to realise that it was The Radio 1 "Flirt Divert" number. She was crushed, ashamed and embarrassed, at how easily she had let her own sexual standards slip. She never saw him again. She never trusted another man, forever feeling that they were just going to take advantage.
Sally has now turned to me for advice.
All I can say is, Sally, the mistake has been made, there's no going back.
If only you had come to me earlier, Sally. I could have told you he bore all the hallmarks of a sexual Predator.
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